Love needs

Anyone who knows Abraham Maslow would be familiar with his theory Hierarchy of needs. The first four levels are known as "deficit needs". In other words, they represent the lack of something. Once you have obtained enough of that thing, your need disappears.

I’d always been hungry for the love need (I’m sure everybody does). Needless to say, I got into a few unfruitful relationships for all the wrong reasons (love at first sight, opposites attracts, chemistry felt right, etc). Every time I felt that need being satisfied, when I’m no longer seeking for any better love, the other party will be in doubt. Just as I was moving from a satisfied love need to fulfill my Ego needs (career), he decided it’s time to end it. Because he wasn’t satisfied.

It wasn’t easy for me to accept this. Simply because I loved the person for whom he is, and I had eventually accepted our differences. Only God knows why we were together in the first place, and what had gone wrong down the years.

But this is all part and parcel of dating. When 2 people get together, they want to know each other better. There’s a possibility that this person may be THE ONE. But as time goes by, feelings change. Your needs changed. You begin to understand yourself better. You realized the current state of love isn’t what you wanted. Your logical mind tells you, this may not be THE ONE.

Sometimes in a desperate effort to salvage the love (at your end), you tried that last resort – to change that person into someone you will love more, to satisfy your own need. You try to get the person to have the same interests, etc.

To a large extent, this is a selfish thing to do. You may try to arouse those same interests, but interest takes time to grow. The habits may rub-off on the other party, or backfire. When you do not see the results you want, you grow frustrated.

You now do not love the person for whom he is.

Couples who have been together a long time can eventually lost the spark in the relationship, and lose sight of their common grounds – what made them click in the first place. They can try to do what I just describe above. Keeping a relationship together requires both parties to work together, and that is not an easy task. I’d never known any couple who share the exact same interests with each other.

But finding those common grounds again is very, very important. It is also a harsh reality that it may take years before you realized there’s actually nothing in common.

But when one party decides to bailout, there’s nothing much the other person can do. In the end, it is just better to let go.

To find a soul mate is not to find someone like you. But one who can see what you see, and who can see what you can’t see.